situationsvacant: Film Premiers - the do's and don'ts

Do not be five months pregnant with twins in the week running up to the premier. If you are, may I suggest that you STRONGLY CONSIDER not attending said premier and instead lie on your couch at home with you fire lit, having your hideously swollen logs massaged by one of those kowtowing slave fellas you so often see depicted in Cleopatra movies.

If you are stupid enough or just too bloody stubborn to NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD ANYONE ALSE SAYS and feel you must attend then read on.

Do not bolt down the biggest BLT sandwich you have ever seen with a portion of fries on the side as well as half your partners deep fried fish just before you are about to get dressed for your big night.

DO spend a lot of your teenage years with your girlfriends experimenting with make-up even if by doing so you means you end up missing a lot of your schooling, sleeping with unsuitable boys and drinking nagans of vodka on park benches. DO NOT under any circumstances instead spend those years doing jig saws of Old Master paintings, listening to phone-in soppy radio shows that make you wonder will you ever be kissed and collecting stamps. Those activities will have NO VALUE whatsoever when it comes to the biggest night of your career.

DO NOT buy new high-heeled shoes the day before the event particularly when you have never ever in your life worn anything higher than a Doc Martin boot. (If you can’t imagine what this is like think of that bit in Cinderella when the fat sister shoves her grossly inflated foot into the delicate slipper)

DO NOT stand naked in front of the mirror marvelling at how huge your bump is whilst also pondering that you still have another four months to go and what in the name of Jesus will you be able to wear when it comes to that stage?

DO punch you partner in the jaw when he likens you to Pavarotti and suggests getting a hoist to swing you into the lift so you can get back downstairs again.

DO allow at least an hour to squeeze into those special maternity tights that you have chosen to wear. Half of this time will be spent wondering which bit is in the front and which bit is the back. The other half will be spent crying with frustration and pain as you eek them on millimetre by millimetre. You should perhaps allow another hour on top of that for your now red and swollen eyes and nose to subside after the tears.

When you eventually get to the venue DO NOT be insulted when the camera crew and presenters of the glossy TV show that attend these sorts of events ignore you and concentrate all their efforts on any celebrities who have appeared and who have clearly not had to squeeze into tiny cheap shoes that will deform their feet forever. (I saw Stephen Rea’s shoes – sensible and comfy)

DO NOT invite your sister, your sister-in-law and your dearest girlfriends as whilst hanging around the now-packed foyer they will suddenly become bored and then notice how badly you have applied the bit of make-up you discovered at the bottom of your wash bag. They will then huddle around you penning you in so that there is no escape, take out their lipstick, lip gloss, huge fluffy brushes with matching blusher and do a quick fix job on you IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE gathering whilst you gag your protestations and plead for mercy.

If you feel you must ask them DO make sure that they are collected from their homes by an armed guard, their bags searched for any alcohol, breathalysed and then escorted directly to the venue just in time for the film to start so that they are given absolutely no opportunity to go for a few pints beforehand otherwise well, just read number 11 again.

DO not invite the actress who has two-year-old twins who then proceeds to give you graphic details of how you are likely to fare over the next four months.

DO (and I know this one is quite contentious given your current condition,) drink alcohol. It is THE ONLY WAY you will get through the evening intact. There will be no dignity involved but at least if you’re drunk you won’t care.