It's a tough job

Lisa tries to ingratiate herself with actor Mary Murray (Rachel)

As today is technically a day of rest, I will be brief. Having also just eaten two sausage sandwiches I think I’m going to be sick so I don’t advise hanging around for that.

If you really want to make it in the film industry as a director there are some key things you should remember.

Be very opinionated (even if you have no idea what you are talking about.)

Don’t snigger at actors especially if they have just done 1. A dying scene   2. A sex scene  3. Their make-up for three hours.

Try not to end up in bed with the leading actor, actress or both. If you must, at least wait until the last night of the shoot (it’s usual to strike at the wrap party) so that the next day hopefully, they are winging their way somewhere thousands of miles away and you will never have to see each other again. A tip that might work in your favour – production co-ordinators always book actors on 6am flights the day after the wrap party. I suspect that after years of experience working in the industry they know to get them out of town as fast as possible.

If you truly have no idea what you are doing be loud, very loud; abuse and aggression often seem to garner a lot of respect and finally, if you really want the crew and actors to respect you, don’t wipe your runny nose with a buttered slice of white bread from the craft services table, which is what a famous director once did in front of me.

Admittedly he was under a considerable amount of stress at the time.